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Eating Towards Infinity

Joanna and I went to eat for our anniversary last night. We wanted all you can eat crab legs, so we found them. It wasn't a bargain, but it was worth it to me at the time. She just got a pound and a half. I, on the other hand, ordered the Glutton's Platter. The All-You-Can-Eat-then-Roll-to-the-Bathroom-for-a-Break-and-Come-Back-for-Round-2 Platter. Estimates coming in from last night placed the amount of crab eaten (in poundage) at minimally 3 lbs. Just me.


While her totals are sealed in the vault for my safety, I mean safe-keeping, here's the thing we realized. It's conceivable that this gladiatorial match between the Eater (me) and Eatee (the crabs) could be eternal. Like a circle. Or Pi. Endless. Theoretically, it could last until the death of the EATER, or the extinction of the entire species of EATEES. Either I die, or they go extinct. Because crab is one of the few foods when the effort you put into eating it negates any caloric intake. You burn just as many calories, and probably more, than if you DIDN'T eat. Basically, you're working out while you eat. Like eating a Twinkie on a treadmill. Or Doritos (gross) in the pool. With crab legs, you need the nourishment you're eating just to eat it! You replenish your body as you need to be replenished! I think celery and sunflower seeds are the only other foods where this is possible. And maybe eating a pineapple through its rine.

All the cracking, the bloodshed, the meat sweats, it all works in your favor to leave room for more. Look at Tom Hanks in Cast Away. He ate crab! And had -5% body fat too. Just look at him. It's a diet that works in your favor and tastes good! Alaska should run commercials: "Snow Crab. The Breakfast of Cast Aways. And Everlasting Skinny People." Eating crab legs is a perpetual feast; fatigue being the only defense the crustaceans have left in their deaths.

And that's what happened to this seasoned vet. Perfectly cooked, I was cracking without a cracker. Pulling out whole legs in one piece. But somewhere along Pound 3, out of nowhere, I was on the ropes. And not half a crab later, I was done.

Go back to Alaska, Snow Crabs!

I need to hibernate.

1 comment:

trace said...

although my beloved and i also celebrate a variety of "anniversaries," i always chuckle that we haven't been dating six months--much less a year. therby negating the inherent year-long implications of an ANNIversary.

also. i am reminded of the iconic tv relationship of Monica Gellar and Chanandler Bong on "Friends." they too celebrated less-than-a-year long milestones in their realtionship with a variety of "-iversaries." a vega-versary comes to mind.

anywho...i miss that brent newberry kid. i wish he and his lady-friend many nights of gluttoness bliss...