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A Dose of Battery Powered Irony

My DVD player is 6 & 1/2 years old. I think that dates back to the Mesozoic Era. Or at least the Bronze Age. It's held up wonderfully, and coupled with my comfort with the remote, I haven't sought out or even desired a more modern upgrade. Not purchasing a DVD Recorder falls under this rationale--although its partly due to having no cable, or NBC, and Jericho being available online that leaves me with very little to record.

Well, I bought a new clock the other day. Antique looking. Really cheap. Matches my new desk. Takes a single AA battery. I hunted the apartment and couldn't find one AA battery. I found one AAA battery, but that does me no good. That does NO ONE any good. What uses a AAA battery anymore? Or EVER? Well I go to my DVD remote to unload a battery for an antique clock test-run. The DVD remote batteries said "Best if installed by Jan 2001"!!! What?! I have the original Duracell 2001 batteries in my DVD remote? And it still works?! I think the Energizer Bunny died in the tough winter of '03. I've gone through Barry Bonds breaking Mark McGwire's record and Hank Aaron's, September 11th, the Friends' Series Finale, my Graduation, moving into an apartment for the first time, moving to Florida, 5 church jobs (three were summer gigs), both of President Bush's inaugurations, the death of two Presidents (Reagan and Ford), 2 wars, a Cardinals World Series, a Red Sox travesty of a championship, mini-dynasties by the Spurs and Patriots, and the growth of my DVD collection from 0 to 150+ DVDs and 30+ various series' seasons. Minimally, 700 hours of DVD watching on my TV. 29 straight days worth. 1 month of non-stop DVD action. (And that's not including this 24-hour period.)

And still going strong.

So I put one battery into the clock--it only takes one. This means it's a simple enough artifact that it needs just a lone battery, yet that places all the weight solely on one battery. Life-span's much shorter I'd imagine. Well the clock worked, the second hand moved a few seconds, and then I pulled the plug. I put the battery back in the DVD remote.

I hit "play" to start up Season 6 of Frasier, but it didn't start. I thought maybe the DVD player was teasing me. So I hit it manually on the player. It played. I tried the remote again. Nothing.

It was over.

The streak ended with a fizzle. A few measly seconds in a faux-antique clock and it drained its last juices. Kind of like a pair of ancient oxen plowing the bullrush fields of Mesopotamia. Both old, but sharing the load. Until one ventures off to try its hand at Oxen Racing. The ox uses all it has left for the race, and upon return to work alongside its lifelong partner, Secretariat dies. Leaving the lonely, non-racing ox to shoulder all the weight. So then it dies too. Maybe the batteries were oxen in a previous life.

I mean, it had to happen someday, just like oxen don't live forever either. But the AA batteries from Jan 2001 had quite the life. Like winning the lottery and then retiring, or maybe more like being born a Hilton, the batteries only worked occasionally. When the need arose. Not incessantly like the second hand of a faux-antique clock. They lived long. They lived well. They landed the best job known to batteries (except AAA batteries that don't serve a purpose at all but are still produced and reserve all their power for some faint day when America runs out of oil or something.). And now they're gone. From battery acid to battery acid.

I'll remember these giants of the game. They surpassed records never dreamed of, and will probably never be supplanted. For they don't make batteries like they used to.

"Original DVD Remote AA Batteries of Jan 2001"
Jan 2001-Aug 2007.
Helped One Lazy Man Reach for His Daydreams.


Eating Towards Infinity

Joanna and I went to eat for our anniversary last night. We wanted all you can eat crab legs, so we found them. It wasn't a bargain, but it was worth it to me at the time. She just got a pound and a half. I, on the other hand, ordered the Glutton's Platter. The All-You-Can-Eat-then-Roll-to-the-Bathroom-for-a-Break-and-Come-Back-for-Round-2 Platter. Estimates coming in from last night placed the amount of crab eaten (in poundage) at minimally 3 lbs. Just me.


While her totals are sealed in the vault for my safety, I mean safe-keeping, here's the thing we realized. It's conceivable that this gladiatorial match between the Eater (me) and Eatee (the crabs) could be eternal. Like a circle. Or Pi. Endless. Theoretically, it could last until the death of the EATER, or the extinction of the entire species of EATEES. Either I die, or they go extinct. Because crab is one of the few foods when the effort you put into eating it negates any caloric intake. You burn just as many calories, and probably more, than if you DIDN'T eat. Basically, you're working out while you eat. Like eating a Twinkie on a treadmill. Or Doritos (gross) in the pool. With crab legs, you need the nourishment you're eating just to eat it! You replenish your body as you need to be replenished! I think celery and sunflower seeds are the only other foods where this is possible. And maybe eating a pineapple through its rine.

All the cracking, the bloodshed, the meat sweats, it all works in your favor to leave room for more. Look at Tom Hanks in Cast Away. He ate crab! And had -5% body fat too. Just look at him. It's a diet that works in your favor and tastes good! Alaska should run commercials: "Snow Crab. The Breakfast of Cast Aways. And Everlasting Skinny People." Eating crab legs is a perpetual feast; fatigue being the only defense the crustaceans have left in their deaths.

And that's what happened to this seasoned vet. Perfectly cooked, I was cracking without a cracker. Pulling out whole legs in one piece. But somewhere along Pound 3, out of nowhere, I was on the ropes. And not half a crab later, I was done.

Go back to Alaska, Snow Crabs!

I need to hibernate.


Slow: Exotic Animal Crossing

I asked over on Facebook, what is the most exotic animal crossing you've ever encountered? Deer? Moose? Armadillo?

Try a Peacock. Actually, try two of them.

It wasn't as if I was in the middle of the...wait, where do Peacocks even live? Where is their "wild?" Not a rainforest, although with as much rain as we've had here, that could be debatable. Not the desert or frozen tundra. I've only known them to wander the man-made temperate zone of the local city zoo.
Anyhow, they strutted their stuff across the neighborhood road, clueless, or careless to the rest of us. The day before I waited for ducks to cross the road. A mother and two ugly ducklings.
I wonder what today has in store.