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Welcome to Hip

As a trend-setter (What? I move. People follow. I like David Crowder and Shane Barnard before anyone's heard of them. They blow up. I watch 24, the world follows. No, JACK BAUER follows. I made ELVIS famous.) I sometimes sit back and wonder "What is the world thinking?" The Olsen twins for instance. Why did they take over the world? Why is "The Surreal Life" still on tv? Is Starbucks coffee really that much better? Worth that much more? It all tastes like piping hot bitterness to me.

Other times I wonder what will be next. I like to predict the next big thing. The new "in." I wish I would've predicted that Starbucks would take over the world, for instance. I'd be a genius. Instead I'm predicting a Republican-controlled Congress in the mid-term elections. So my guesses aren't always square on the money. But I don't let that keep me down...

I was thinking today about the health benefits of Sunflower Seeds. I have no factual evidence to back these claims up, but I'll propose them as confidently as if I did.

-I think they can't be fattening. They're way too small. Strawberry seeds aren't fattening. Sunflower seeds aren't THAT much bigger.

-It's also SO MUCH WORK to eat them. Unless you EAT the shells. But even then your body's gonna be working to digest those, so either way you're working up a sweat if not an appetite. It's like crab legs or corn on the cob. The calories you burn working for the food makes them low-fat. Probably negative fat.

-In all that effort, your mouth gets tired. Like chewing gum, your mouth and mind--not your stomach--feel like you've eaten a hearty meal. Really you've only eaten birdseed.

-And in all that effort, your mouth gets STRONGER! Heads up, Channing Tatum. You're not the only one with a jaw as sturdy as an ox anymore. I'm sure that's how oxen get their strong jaws. Sunflower seeds. Chew, chew, spit. Repeat. Voila.

-I've seen potato chips made with sunflower seed oil. I have no clue what that means. But it sounds healthy. More than transfat and vegetable oil. Tally another mark under "healthy" for the sunflower seed. Note: I've never tried these. Just seen the bags.

-Birds eat them. Birds aren't fat. Except turkeys. And they aren't eating sunflower seeds. There aren't turkeys roaming the plains of Kansas. Maybe that's the key to winged flight. Light, hearty, low-fat meals of protein.

On the downside...

-All that work only temporarily fools your mind into not being hungry. My stomach has kicked in loud and clear, reminding me that all I've eaten today is trail mix minus the m&m's.

-My mouth is STILL tired. I want to sip my next meal through a straw. I don't recommend spending a whole day chewing. We're not horses.

Or billy-goats.

-On the mouth topic and not being animals, a beak really would make this easier. Or a gullet so I could just shovel them down shells and all. But that would negate some of the perks. Like calorie-burning and mind-tricks and oxen-sturdy jaws.

-They're cheap. This is only a downside because all healthy food is expensive. So they might not be healthy after all. I mean, except for skim milk, which should be illegal (it's just water with white dye in it!), anything that doesn't clog your arteries or risk causing an immediate stroke or heart attack costs you your 2nd kidney. Or 1st spleen.

Overall consensus: Eat sunflower. It's the new "in." It's trendy, it's healthy, and it's even affordable.

Welcome to hip.


Christina said...

love it

Josh said...

you are completly nutz.....but you know that. How are things going with you. This blog is too funny. And I'm sure you meant it to be all serious.

Taylor said...

i read it. and i think that's cool. but i have 2 things to say...channing tatum is hottttttt and skim milk is not just water with coloring. DUH

Lindsay said...

yes. channing tatum is still the man with the best jaw. and sunflower seeds...are they really worth all that brain power (or maybe lack of skill) that it took to write that?

Sher said...'re thought process is more random than mine...and I didn't think anyone could be more random than me! You make me laugh!!!

Jason said...

Sorry to burst your bubble, but I've been doing sunflower seeds since I was like...10. So maybe you got it from me when we roomed together. I also introduced you to MVP Baseball. And I've gotten every last one of my co-workers hooked on Bops. Please cite me next time.