Every so often I think of things that were funny, so I thought, maybe you'd like them too.
So remember that one time...
It was May 2002. I got my eyes dialated. Well I got them checked. This was before I had contacts; it was my visit to the Eye Doctor to get contacts. I remember thinking people wouldn't be able to recognize me, and I probably wouldn't either. I mean, when I would go to look at myself in the mirror it was with my glasses on, and if I ever did take them off to see what I looked like, then I couldn't see. That's pretty blind. I'm 20/100. That means what I can read 20 feet away, you could read 100 feet away. While you can drive past a billboard, I'd have to be ON it. I'll pull off the interstate, park the car, and climb up the scary ladder. If I want to read a billboard. 20/100 vision.
Anyway back to the story. Ms. Assistant Lady to Hannibal Lecter puts this goop in my eyes. It's all yellow and gross. And she says, "It's yellow, so dont get freaked out." And sure enough, I was seeing everything yellow for a bit. So she puts this machine looking thing up to my face and makes me stick my head in it. I was a little nervous. She turns it on and there's this blue looking glow stick that she expects me to allow easy access to my eye. She says, "Just relax and open wide. That yellow stuff in your eyes is to numb them." Wrong thing to say, lady. If you tell me that you have to numb my eyes in order to poke them with a glow stick, then its only gonna freak me out more. Obviously this glow stick does hurt if they have to numb my eyes. You numb a mouth to get teeth pulled. Apparently you numb eyeballs to jab them with blue glowsticks.
So after I caught my breath, and we both held open my eyes, she proceeds to zap my eye with this blue laser stick thing. I felt like I was being branded. Well pardon. I didnt "feel" anything, but figuratively, I felt like I was being branded. There's a movie called "A Fire in the Sky," and this guy is abducted by aliens (Oh, I'm going somewhere.). They pin him down and do all these torturous experiments on him out of curiousity. Well at one point, they hold open his eyelids and lower this 8 inch needle into his eye; meanwhile, he cant do a thing about it because like 30 of these alien boys are holding him down. It's a true story. So that ran through my mind as I saw the blue glowstick get closer...and closer...and closer...Then I would blink. It was torture.
So after I realized that I really couldn't feel it, the second eye was a piece of cake. Or beef. That was when I decided I wouldnt hit her in the jaw. I started thinking, "Maybe I can't handle contacts." But then I thought, "Wait a sec. It's probably a lot better than the glowstick scandal, because you dont have to numb your own eyes in order to put your contacts in. So it's all good."
Then the Doc comes in and the lights are all off for the most part and he does that "you look in the corner while I shine this 200 watt flashlight up your eye" thing. Well naturally, though very little about this whole experience actually was, my eyes started watering. It was like he stuck a light bulb inside my eye. I thought I was "seeing the light," and I was off to heaven. Yeah, it was bright. I can't imagine how bright it would've been if that nice lady wouldn't have "numbed" my eyes.
Finally, something funny that did happen amidst the terror. The Doc asked me to open wide during "the shining," and I opened my mouth really wide. I felt so dumb. I was at an Eye Doctor's and I opened my MOUTH when he asked me to open wide. "Open wide." And he just sits there with his Maglite trying to see through my squinted, numb, watery eyes. And my mouth is wide open. And it dawns on both of us. He says, "Your eyes. Open your eyes." I think I'd had my braces on way too long. One too many trips to the Orthodontist. One too many times having braces. I knew I should've worn my retainer the first time around. Or maybe I was just over-stimulated. I mean, yellow goop to numb my eyes, blue glowsticks to brand my eyes, blinding flashlights up my eyes. Now open wide?!! Surely there's NOTHING MORE YOU COULD POSSIBLY THINK TO DO TO MY EYES!! Like a defense mechanism. Open your mouth and hope they try there first before completely blinding you and finishing you off. Maybe you'd like to pull some teeth now? A cleaning? A filling? A root canal? My eyes are taking 15.
Needless to say, I'm terrified of four things: Spiders. Needles. Midget Clowns. And yes now, the Eye Doctor's...namely, the blue glowstick that brands your eyeballs like cattle hide.