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My Walmart Run

In an effort to generate constant readership, and revitalize my legitimacy as the Best Freaking Blog Ever, I'm posting more.

I went to Walmart tonight. A few observations I wanted to share.

1. I saw a lady and her husband shopping. No big deal except she had a clipboard. I've heard of long grocery lists, but a clipboard? How many people are you shopping for? And how precise does your checkmark have to be? I noticed she was also wearing a Publix Supermarket Polo Shirt. No doubt an employee of that fine Grocery chain. Maybe she was using her clipboard to figure out how much cheaper Walmart's prices were even after her Publix employee discount.

2. I saw a BBW tonight as well. If you aren't hip to online dating profiles, suffice to say she was fairly obese. And diverse. You know how our culture is prone to exposing female mid-drifts? Yep. Got a special treat tonight. But not so much her exposed mid-drift, as her exposed back fat rolls. Here's hoping that doesn't catch on as quickly. On a positive note, she didn't have the lower back tatoo--well not that I could catch my back-fat-roll drift.

3. (Still at Walmart) I walked up to the "express" line, quietly with my handful of staples: mac& cheese, ramen noodles, and corn. Too quietly, regrettably. In front of me was a man in his mid-50s, probably a father of two girls. How do I know? Because as I stood quietly, innocuously I might add, this father, unaware of our three foot proximity, let loose like he'd been holding it in for hours. Like he'd been around women all day and now he was finally free. And the best word to describe this surprise: squirty. It made me think of the old drink "Squirt." It sounded messy. And imperative. Imminent. Urgent. Well I took a step back and then turned around and started looking at the shelf with the air fresheners and gum and tv guides. Never had a dashboard air freshener seemed so close, yet so far away. A couple of thoughts were rapidly cycling through my mind at this point:

-Who DOES that?!
-Surely he didn't know I was there...But everyone ELSE was still there!
-I've waited here too long to switch lines, but that better not SMELL like it sounded...

Well the only reason I didn't audibly crack up out loud was because I didn't want to breathe in anymore than I had to. So then a lady comes up after me in line. (The line where time stood still, mind you.) And she proceeds to get as close to me as is socially unacceptable. I hate the invasion of my personal space. Heebie Jeebies. And she is invading my space to force my hand. To get me to move up further in line. The politics of shopping lines. I hate 'em. For some reason, we feel like we're getting out faster if we crowd up at the register. Nevermind that there's still 33 people in line, I'm only 10 feet away from the cashier! I can see the red laser! I can hear the incessant beeping. I can watch up close and fervently, the cashier struggling to ring up frozen items. And bulky items. And produce items. There's a lot of pressure on those ladies. And it's not just the language barrier. Ringing up items is a concentrated effort. Oh, the politics of shopping lines.

Well so My New Girlfriend behind me, or up on top of me by now, crowds me, successfully moving me closer to Squirt, who by this time is leaning hard to one side, all his weight on his left foot giving him the maximum leverage for the ultimate clenching. Maybe Squirm is a better name, he's so fidgety. Hands inverted on his hips. Eyes darting all around him. Sweat beads forming on his brow. And I was manhandled to within nose-shot of THIS. I should've traded places with her. Since she wanted to move up in line so badly. Crowded HER personal space. Forced HER to inhale his exhaust. That'd put an end to her little political shopping line aspirations. But I couldn't think straight. Maybe it was the fumes.

Well that's it. I'm off on a date with some Chinese food. That's right, China Star. It's me, you and a little Egg Foo Yung...


Ryan said...

Very funny piece of work Brent.

Taylor said...

"hi i'm brent and i like to complain about life." sheesh what'd you's WALMART! remember that one time we went and that lady made david put all the stuff in the bags. i thought you were gunna explode on her.

Rebekah said...

I just came across your blog, and I have to say I truley enjoy it!

You have a great sense of humour :)