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9.20.2006

Early Retirement '06

In case you were curious, as many are these days, early retirement is good. Boring at times. But well worth it. I definitely appreciate all the hype about it. Although I bet it'd be even more fun if I'd saved for longer than just the past 2 1/2 years. You know, if I'd've actually retired with something, or after I'd accomplished something monumental vs. just for the fun of it because that's another thing you do when you're in Florida. Kind of like going to Disney. Or the beach. Or sweating. Or running from alligators. Retirement is what you do in Florida. I mean, I totally understand why Florida is Retirement Central: Old people get cold easily and Florida doesn't. And that is also the reason traffic is blood-curdling and shuffle board is pandemic.

Alongside my second-guesses on retiring with something more than my paltry "retirement" account, i.e. my savings account, I think my next retirement I'll bring someone with me. It'd just be more reasonable. Instead of sitting around mindlessly by myself, I could do that with company. Instead of reading a book on the beach alone, I could ignore someone in the process. Instead of eating well all by myself, I could bring someone along to watch how it's done. I need a good second in command. Someone to follow orders, someone to do the gruntwork, someone to tell me what I want to hear, someone I can take under my wing and teach how to be a great first in command one day. Teach them how to be a servant. A good leader must be a servant. So, they could drive. Cook. Clean. Do laundry. Run errands. Pay. Rent movies. Network on my behalf. Sustain friendships for me. Write emails. Return phone calls. Maintain this blog.

I just think a second person is a much better move all around than just the solo act. I mean who really likes just Paul McCartney? At least get Ringo. Everyone needs a Ringo. Batman had Robin. Dr. Phil had Oprah. Zach Morris had A.C. Slater AND Screech. There's so many Dynamic Duos out there. The Ambiguously Gay Duo, Simon and Garfunkel, Sigfried and Roy, The Brokeback Mountain guys, you know what. Maybe not. Maybe an opposite sex Paul and Ringo. Like super couples Ben and Jen (Affleck and Lopez) or Brad and Jen (Pitt and Aniston) or Nick and Jessica (Lachey and Simpson)...Or maybe my idea isn't without flaws. But at least it's a workable idea. Opposite sex duos that aren't dysfunctional. Like Bill and Hillary Clinton. Or Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. Or Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Or maybe I need a casting director. And a casting call. And a 3-step application/interview/tryout process.

I guess I'll start recruiting for my next retirement while I'm on this one. Top candidates will possess the following skills, attributes, looks, accents:

-Cute. It'll help us not get jumped as much while we're bumming on the beach. Besides, cute is looks plus personality.
-Funny. As in somehow close to as funny as me. Wit and sarcasm are preferred.
-Hyper. That could be annoying in an old person traffic jam. Fun otherwise.
-A super cook. And not gross french things. Normal things. Like Mac&cheese. Or mashed potatoes. Or, especially OR, STEAK. Lobster.
-Music lover. And good singer. Musical abilities a must. And an awesome sounding voice.
-In shape. I mean retirement is gluttonous and lazy enough, being fat from the get go is a no go.
-Good driver. Road rage tendencies are heightened here in The Land of 25mph Coupe de Villes.
-Smart. A hyper dumb person is not fun. At all.
-Ice cream lover. And not any ice cream flavor either. Sensible taste. Vanilla. Boo. Chocolate Peanut Butter Ice Cream with Peanut Butter Cookie Dough. Bravo. We miss you, stupid Ben & Jerry's.
-Great movie picking judgement.
-Willingness to get a job once the next retirement comes to a close. Money only lasts for so many movies and Dairy Queen Blizzards.
-Compassionate. Love people. Love helping people. Love engaging people. Love making fun of people.
-Outgoing. Quiet or shy? Apply elsewhere. Try the Real World.
-Virtuous. A Lover of Christ. I'm tolerant of other religions, or non-religions, and it would be fun to learn about different religions or non-religions by living alongside someone through a retirement, but if this retirement turned into a "long-term retirement," if you know what I mean, well I'd want us to be compatible long-term.

So I think that's it. If you meet those requirements, or if you feel that for other reasons not listed above you feel qualified, let me know. Apply here or on my myspace or on my facebook. Call me. Email me. A new Early Retirement season will begin NEXT JUNE. "Early Retirement 2007: Endeavors in Maui." Plenty of time to start planning and saving! Other possible locations: Pacific Northwest. Colorado. Australia. Washington D.C. Maine. Vermont. Wiggins. But for now, while the applications start pouring in, I'm going to work on my newest "Early Retirement 2006: Ventures Across Florida" proposal: The beach. All day. Every day. All week.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

http://www.eslcafe.com/joblist/

This could afford you some new locales for a retirement...

-Jacob

David Ashley Gilbert said...

Your blog entry was very interesting. I am a realtor specializing in Tampa Bay Florida Real Estate .

Taylor said...

look, i read it. are you happy??

Anonymous said...

hilarious.. i must say you are a great writer!!. Yay:) i fill all of those except the austrailian accent... sorry, but i do have culture:)

Lindsay said...

ok i read it. pick me. i can make up an australian accent.

are you happy now?;-)